So Who Wins - The Any Character in the World Battles

TACWB

54. Hulk vs. Mephisto

The Green Beast of Fury vs. what appears to be the Devil himself: This one will shake the heavens.

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Fighters

Hulk

Mephisto

Set-Up

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The Underworld (Mephisto’s realm) :

Mephisto sits on his throne trying to figure out how to deal with Ghost Rider.

Blackheart flailed to obtain the Cask of Ancient Winters from Asgard, thinks Mephisto, I must find a way to regain control of the part of the underworld that Ghost Rider seized . I just must not engage in all out war, Hades and the rulers of other Underworlds must not discover that my worst enemy now controls part of my kingdom, But what force could battle Ghost Rider’s Forces, and have a chance at victory?

Mephisto smiles wickedly.

I know just what I need. Thinks Mephisto.

Gamma Base (New Mexico: In the office of General Brigsteen ( A few days later) :

“General,” says a voice over the speaker phone, “with so much of U.S. Military power currently overseas. We simply do not have the funding to commission any more Hulk busting weaponry for you, You’ll just have to repair what you can on your own.”

“But Mr. Secretary,” says General Brigsteen, “the Hulk totaled most of our weaponry the last time my men encountered him and the weapons that we have managed to do jury rig repairs on are unstable at best. I can not in good conscious send my men to battle the Hulk, if their weaponry may pose nearly as much of a threat to their safety as the enemy they face. Perhaps we could request the assistance of S.H.I.E.L.D. on this mission?”

“When the Hulk is within the boarders of the United States,” says the secretary, “he is to be dealt with by the U.S. Military. We are more than up to the task.”

“With all due respect Mr. Secretary”  says General Brigsteen, “without the proper weapons sending my men to fight the Hulk, is like sending lambs to the slaughter.”

“General you place to much importance on high tech gear,” says the secretary, “your predecessor General Thunderbolt Ross battled the Hulk many times using only conventional weaponry.”

“Answer me this Mr. Secretary,” says General Brigsteen, “Over the course of his many battles with the Hulk. How many casualties did General Ross’ unit suffer?’

The Secretary remains Silent a few moment and then shouts.

“EVERY SINGLE INDIVIDUAL THAT SIGNS ON TO SEVER THEIR COUNTRY, KNOWS THE RISKS INVOLVED IN DOING SO! MILITARY OPERATIONS OFTEN REQUIRE ADAPTING TO SITUATIONS AS THEY OCCUR! I SUGGEST YOU ADAPT AS WELL!”

A loud click then followed by a busy signal is all that General Brigsteen then hears.

General Brigsteen then rests his forehead in his left hand and says.

“I’d be willing to pay any price to ensure the safety of my men.”

Then there is a knock at General Brigsteen’s door.

“Come in.” says General Brigsteen.

An average sized man with dark slicked back hair wearing a business suit and carrying a briefcase enters the room.

“Hello,” says the man “I am Mel Hisstoe  of Hisstoe Ordinances, it is a pleasure to meet you General.”

General Brigsteen shakes Mel’s hand and says.

“Likewise, but what brings you here this day?”

“It is my understanding that you are in need of some new weapons.” Says Mel.”

“I am,” says General Brigsteen “but I was just denied funding.”

“Really,” says Mel, “because I have signed authorization from the President. All I need is your signature on the order forum.”

“I need to see this authorization.” says General Brigsteen.

“Certainly.” says Mel as he reaches into his suit pocket and pulls out a letter.

After being handed the letter by Mel. General Brigsteen reads it carefully and discovers that it is indeed legitimate. (Thanks to Mephisto’s magic).

“Well this appears to be authentic,” says General Brigsteen, “What kind of Hulk busting weapons do you have?

Mel opens his briefcase and takes out a black metal half sphere about the size of a desk globe.

“This weapon can be fired from a bazooka,” says Mel, “it will cover the Hulk’s mouth and nose, then it will immobilize him by sending sonic waves through his jawbone to his skull. All this and the battery only requires solar energy to recharge. So just put the Hulk under a tanning lamp for six hours every six months and he will never give you any trouble.”

“Wait,” says General Brigsteen “am I to understand that if I use this weapon on the Hulk that he will not revert back to Bruce Banner?”

“With the amount of sonic waves that are needed to incapacitate the Hulk,” says Mel, “it would prove fatal should he revert back to Dr. Banner. I’m sure our scientists could come up with something, but it would require additional funding and another contract. However if you would pre---”

“No,” interrupts General Brigsteen, “ that won’t be necessary. Just give me a moment to think.”

“Of course.” says Mel.

I know my good friend Dr. John Anthony told me he was working on some kind of gamma siphoning device over at S.T.A.R. Labs in Metropolis, thinks General Brigsteen, perhaps that could be used to change the Hulk back to Bruce Banner. We would just have to hold the Hulk here at Gamma Base, until Dr. Anthony unveils the Gamma Siphon to the public.

“How soon can you send me a shipment of  these devices?” asks General Brigsteen.

“I’ll personally rush them into production as soon as you sign this contract,” says Mel, “until then you may keep this fully operational prototype.”
“Can I get an E.T.A. on how long the production will take?” asks General Brigsteen.

“Roughly six weeks” says Mel.

“Well,” says General Brigsteen, “that isn’t very long. Let me see those contracts.”

Mel hands General Brigsteen the contract and after he has finished reading them. The general says.

“These look to be in order, now I just need a pen.”

“Sir, please use mine.” says Mel as he pulls a pen from his pocket.

As General Brigsteen reaches for Mel’s pen, Mel hurriedly hands it to him and in the process. Jabs him in-between his fingers.

“Ow.” says General Brigsteen as he grabs a handkerchief from his pocket  and wraps it around his hand and fingers.”

“Oh I am so sorry General.” says Mel.

“Oh it’s all right,” says General Brigsteen, “most men in uniform would kill to have such an easily treated wound. Unfortunately it would seem that I have stained your contracts, You don’t happen to have another copy do you?”

“No,” says Mel, “but that’s not a problem. At Hisstoe Ordinances we put our blood, sweat, and tears into everything we do. When our customers want to give the same kind of effort we just feel very proud.”

“Very well then,” says General Brigsteen with a smile, “let’s sign that contract.”

General Brigsteen then signs the contract and hands Mel back his pen.

“It was a pleasure doing business with you Sir,” Says Mel as he puts the contract in his briefcase, “you can expect your first shipment of Hulk Muzzles  in six weeks.

“Likewise,” says General Brigsteen as Mel turns to leave, “I’ll be sue to let you know how well your weapon performs in combat conditions.”

A Desert Region of New Mexico (Two Days Later):


The Hulk is resting in the shade of a large rock, when he hears the sound of helicopters. Followed by the hiss of  rockets,  Hulk leaps from behind the cover of the rock just shortly before it is blown to smithereens. When Hulk lands he sees an Apache Helicopter  closing in on him, the Apache begins to fire its guns at Hulk. The Thirty Millimeter rounds, do little more than annoy the Hulk. Who then picks up a near by boulder and tosses it at the Apache.

The pilot tries to evade the in coming boulder but the top rotor is still damaged as the boulder clips a few blades.

Hulk Roars triumphantly as the damaged Apache retreats. Hulk's triumph is short lived as two more Apaches close in on him firing their machine guns. Hulk then leaps into the air and digs his hands into the tail section on one of the Apaches, the pilot ejects just before Hulk (Through sheer strength) twits his shoulders and tosses the Apache at the other one.

The pilot  of the remaining Apache sees the other Apache and tries to pull up out of the way, but still suffers heavy damage as several of his rockets are ripped loose in the collision. Luckily the pilot had gained enough altitude that the resulting explosion only knocked out his on board computers. Allowing the pilot to make it safely back to base.

Having landed after the second Apache hit the third, Hulk shouts as the last Apache retreats

“Run Puny Humans, Hulk Is The Strongest One There Uhhh---”

Hulk is knocked flat on his face as he is hit simultaneously by two one hundred twenty millimeter shells, fired by two M1A2 Tanks. Hulk gets up and turns around to see the tanks closing in on him. The tanks begin to fire their fifty caliber machine guns at Hulk (for all the good it does) as he charges at them.

Hulk is so intent on the tanks that he fails to notice a hummer drive up a short distance behind the tanks.

In The Hummer:


“We only have one shot at this Soldier,” says General Brigsteen from behind the driver, “so make it count.”

“Yes Sir.” says the Soldier who then leaps from the front passenger seat.

Once on the ground the soldier runs up in between the tanks, he can already feel the ground shake as Hulk runs toward the tanks. Thanks to the soldier’s bravery and his excellent training, he keeps his mind on his mission at gets into position to fire the bazooka, aims, and fires.

The muzzle hits the Hulk’s face without him even realizing it. Then Hulk’s face is blasted by hellfire, Hulk roars in  pain and stops his charge. As he is about to reach for the muzzle, enchanted brimstone gas is forced into his lungs. This causes Hulk to cough several times before  falling to the ground unconscious.

General Brigsteen then gets out of the hummer, quickly surveys the situation, and says

“Good work men, now radio the Chinook. We have a heavy load to get back to Gamma Base.

Mephisto’s Realm (A week later):

Mephisto sits on his throne, listening to the soothing sounds of the agonized screams of his prisoners. When one of his minions runs up to him and says.

“Master, Ghost Rider has left his part of the Underworld.”

“Eh, “say Mephisto “this is much sooner than I expected. I haven’t even planed a distraction for him and if I go ahead with my plan now it will breech the contract I got General Brigsteen to sign. Still I can not pass up an opportunity like this, even if I must renounce my claim on the oh so noble General Brigsteen’s astral energy.”

Mephisto then turns to his minion and says.

“You have done well, now return to your post. I have an errand to run.”

“Yes Master.” says the minion.

Gamma Base (Just Outside The Guardhouse Moments Later):


Mel Hisstoe stands by the side of the Guardhouse and sees two soldiers at the front entrance. He then raises his hand and black smoke emits from it, the smoke flows into the faces of the guards and they immediately fall unconscious. Mel then walks to the front entrance and steps over the now unconscious guards, only to discover that the door is electronically locked. Mel casually waves his hand in front of the lock and hellfire burst forth from it, Mel then enters the Guardhouse and notices some security cameras. With another wave of his hand hellfire erupts in the cameras,rendering then in-operational. Mel then walks down the hallway and turns around the corner, where he encounters two more soldiers guarding a large door.

“This Is A Restricted---” begins the soldier.

Before the soldier can finish his warning Mel tosses a ball of red energy from each of his hands, the energy balls slam into the soldiers knocking them out. Mel then walks toward the door and after shoving each unconscious soldier in a corner, Mel then deals with the electronic lock in the same manner as he did the last one and walks into the room. Mel then immediately sees laying on a huge table the unconscious form of the Hulk, which he then walks over to.

“It’s time to wake up Hulk.” says Mel as he waves a hand over the muzzle covering Hulk’s mouth and nose.

At The Back Door Of The Gamma Base:

“Of all the boring assignments for Annabelle to give us says a German Shepard.”

“Oh come on Charlie,” says a Dachshund, “Annabelle said this was the most important assignment  that she has ever given us.”

“I know Itchy,” says Charlie, “but watching out for an agent from the other side and calling in for reinforcements when we find him. Makes us little more than watchdogs.”

“Well I thinks that’s good Charlie,” says Itchy, “Annabelle says that this Mephisto guy we’re on the lookout for makes Belladonna seem like an angel.”

“Yeah,” says Charlie, “but I wouldn’t mind a little action to break the monotony.”

“Charlie,” says Itchy, “even with that Miracle Dog Tag that Annabelle gave us. We probably wouldn’t be able to defeat Mephisto, just hold him off until reinforcements showed up. Personally I can do without that kind of excitement, if you’re board why don’t you make the rounds this time?”

“No,” says Charlie, “walking around looking at all the boring things in this base would just make me tired.”

“Well suite yourself Charlie.” says Itchy as he goes to make his rounds.

Itchy walks through the hallway and when he sees that the doors to the main room are open he investigates. Itchy cautiously pokes his head through the open door and sees Mel Hisstoe talking to the Hulk.

“You can’t possibly want to stay here.” says Mel trying to remain calm.

“Hulk not like scary man.” Says Hulk.

Itchy then notices that the license on his heavenly collar is blinking.

Th that’s Mephisto thinks Itchy, I’ve got to tell Charlie.

Itchy then runs to Charlie as fast as his short legs will carry him.

“Charlie, Charlie!” yells Itchy as he comes skidding around the corner.

“Itchy what’s wrong?” says Charlie.

“Mephisto is here,” says Itchy in a panic stricken voice, He’s in the main room. Talking to the Hulk, We have to do something!”

“O.K. Itch,” says Charlie, “You go contact Annabelle and I’ll use the Miracle Dog Tag to wish for a weapon to fight Mephisto with.”

“Right.” says Itchy as he runs out the back door complaining about his short legs.

Once Itchy is out the door, Charlie begins running to the main room. While thinking.

Why did I have to use the Miracle Dog Tag to wish for a steak last night.

Just Outside The Main Room:

“Come now Hulk,” says Mel, “there is more room to talk out here.”

Hulk stands just inside the main room and says

“Why scary man want Hulk to follow him?"

Before Mel can answer Charlie comes racing around the corner growling, Mel turns in the direction of Charlie’s charge just as Charlie leaps at him. Mel backhands Charlie, causing Charlie to yelp in pain just before he hits the wall and falls to the floor unconscious.

“Hulk,” says Mel, “we really mus---”

Mel doesn’t bother to finish his sentence because he notices that the Hulk is snarling at him.

“Scary man hurt puppy,” says Hulk, “Now HULK SMASH SCARY MAN!”

Seeing that Hulk is now poised for combat, Mel places his hands together in front of him and in a burst of hellfire assumes his true form of Mephisto.

So who wins: The Ultimate Personification of Evil? Or The Ultimate Personification of Anger?

 

*Set-Up was written by SimbasGuard.*

Commentators:

Dr. Strange

Blackheart

Image:Blackheart4.jpg

Commentary

(Top)

Dr. Strange: Ok, here we are again, and guess what? The Hulk is fighting someone again.

Blackheart: I know what you mean. Every time I see old daddy dearest; he seems to be fighting. At least this time, its not me.

Dr. Strange: Alright, Hulk waists no time in punching Mephisto square in the torso.

Blackheart: Mephisto goes flying backwards through several walls, and finally falls to the floor.

Dr. Strange: Mephisto gets up angrily, and Hulk charges.

Blackheart: Mephisto raises his hands and shoot's torrents of fire at Hulk.

Dr. Strange: Hulk seems to be a little bit effected, but shakes off the hellfire burning and continues his charge.

Blackheart: Hulk gets to Mephisto, and stops. He opens his arms wide, and clenches his hands into fists.

Dr. Strange: Hulk claps his fists together with Mephisto in between them.

Blackheart: Mephisto falls, but not unconscious yet.

Dr. Strange: Hulk, seeing Mephisto still trying to remain on his feet, grabs Mephisto's legs, and starts beating him on the ground like a club.

Blackheart: After a few bone chilling whacks, it would seem that Mephisto is out.

Dr. Strange: Hulk continues his beating of Mephisto, and the fight draws to a close.

Blackheart: Hulk defeats Mephisto.

Dr. Strange: Do you think we should stop the Hulk?

Blackheart: ...no...give it a few more minutes.

 

Hulk defeats Mephisto 14 votes to (This number was lost due to a clerical error)

(Top)

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Disclaimer

Belong to Marvel Comics:

  • Hulk/Bruce Banner
  • Mephisto
  • Underworld (Mephisto's)
  • Ghost Rider
  • Blackheart
  • Cask of Ancient Winters
  • Asgard
  • Underworld (Ghost Rider's)
  • Gamma Base
  • Hulk Busting Weaponry
  • S.H.I.E.L.D.
  • General "Thunderbolt" Ross
  • Dr. Strange  

Belong to So Who Wins:

  • General Brigsteen
  • Mel Hisstoe (Name only)
  • Hisstoe Ordinances
  • Dr. John Anthony
  • Gamma Siphon (Sort of)
  • Hulk Muzzles (Sort of)

Belong to Mythology:

  • Hades (Greek)
  • Underworlds 

Belong to MGM Holdings:

  • Annabelle
  • Charlie Barkin
  • Itchy Itchiford
  • Belladonna
  • Miracle Dog Tag
  • Heavenly Collar (With License)

Belong to DC Comics:

  • S.T.A.R. Labs
  • Metropolis